Kick me when I'm down

This is truly crap. I have nothing left anymore. I feel as if a steam roller has mown me down. I am adrift. I function and that is all.
I am rude and mean and unkind and take advantage of everyone. I have been miserable for the last 12 months. I am stuck up and think I am superior to eveyone else. I think my job is more important than anyone else's. I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve any help.


I don't know how long I can go on feeling this sick and stressed at the thought of seeing her accidently, of actually being in the same air space. I cannot understand how it came to this. To have argued over the horses is one thing, but to have to get through the personal abuse and carry on with normality is bloody hard I do not know what to do next. If it stays like this I will have to move. this is not why I have a horse, I have a horse to stop me being stressed, to give me someting to look forward to. Sell him or move, both are unthinkable.

What's important?

Today I realised that I do believe that marriage is for life, and that surprised me. But that both people have to have that same feeling and that feeling has to last for that lifetime. I hadn't realised I had that strength of feeling about it. And how much I am affected by this failure. And that that is what it feels like, failure. And it hurts.
So this is about more than the loss of the future, it is about my very beliefs and perhaps that helps me understand quite why I feel as bad as I do. It doesn't make it any better or any easier, but it is a step along the way, a step towards acceptance.

I made everything come undone

I made everything fall apart
I quit running to the finishing line
and I went back to the start
I found a great big hole in the middle of my life
Shaped just like my heart, just like my heart 

Karine Polwart

This is how I feel. I feel so useless and alone and I just don't know what to do.
I feel I've been a crap wife, a crap mother and a crap person. The future I thought was there is gone, I have to continue to try to survive in this hellhole, going through divorce when we should have been celebrating our 25th anniversary. There is no one to talk to and I can't keep the brave face on much longer and I just don't know what to do now. I have nowhere to turn.
I don't know how it will be in the future. I worry about being left out. There is a ball in November and everyone is full of how they want to go, and I would be the only one not in a couple, and I don't know how that will feel and even if I can bear it after the last ball which was the day the world fell apart.
I still feel incredibly angry, angry about what I have lost; angry about the future; angry about my crap; angry I let myself get to this place; angry that no-one really cares; angry that I am the one who has to hold everything together with no help.