I made everything come undone

I made everything fall apart
I quit running to the finishing line
and I went back to the start
I found a great big hole in the middle of my life
Shaped just like my heart, just like my heart 

Karine Polwart

This is how I feel. I feel so useless and alone and I just don't know what to do.
I feel I've been a crap wife, a crap mother and a crap person. The future I thought was there is gone, I have to continue to try to survive in this hellhole, going through divorce when we should have been celebrating our 25th anniversary. There is no one to talk to and I can't keep the brave face on much longer and I just don't know what to do now. I have nowhere to turn.
I don't know how it will be in the future. I worry about being left out. There is a ball in November and everyone is full of how they want to go, and I would be the only one not in a couple, and I don't know how that will feel and even if I can bear it after the last ball which was the day the world fell apart.
I still feel incredibly angry, angry about what I have lost; angry about the future; angry about my crap; angry I let myself get to this place; angry that no-one really cares; angry that I am the one who has to hold everything together with no help.