Long time no see

Well what a lot has happened since my last very low writing. At that time I was probably at my lowest, but allowing myself to be there, to wallow, to get right to grips with it. And I did.
And I had to do what was best for me which was to move the horse which was very, very hard, but brought about some enjoyment again. And we have moved again since, and found our 'forever home' and I can hardly believe how good that feels.

And the divorce is going through, the absolute should be through by the end of March, depending on how much wrangling there is over the money.

And the biggest thing is that someone special arrived in my life out of the blue and I can hardly believe how much I love him and what he means to me, and me to him. And his ability to actually talk about feelings and himself, well, that is mind blowing enough. And we have big plans for 2012.

Kick me when I'm down

This is truly crap. I have nothing left anymore. I feel as if a steam roller has mown me down. I am adrift. I function and that is all.
I am rude and mean and unkind and take advantage of everyone. I have been miserable for the last 12 months. I am stuck up and think I am superior to eveyone else. I think my job is more important than anyone else's. I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve any help.


I don't know how long I can go on feeling this sick and stressed at the thought of seeing her accidently, of actually being in the same air space. I cannot understand how it came to this. To have argued over the horses is one thing, but to have to get through the personal abuse and carry on with normality is bloody hard I do not know what to do next. If it stays like this I will have to move. this is not why I have a horse, I have a horse to stop me being stressed, to give me someting to look forward to. Sell him or move, both are unthinkable.

What's important?

Today I realised that I do believe that marriage is for life, and that surprised me. But that both people have to have that same feeling and that feeling has to last for that lifetime. I hadn't realised I had that strength of feeling about it. And how much I am affected by this failure. And that that is what it feels like, failure. And it hurts.
So this is about more than the loss of the future, it is about my very beliefs and perhaps that helps me understand quite why I feel as bad as I do. It doesn't make it any better or any easier, but it is a step along the way, a step towards acceptance.

I made everything come undone

I made everything fall apart
I quit running to the finishing line
and I went back to the start
I found a great big hole in the middle of my life
Shaped just like my heart, just like my heart 

Karine Polwart

This is how I feel. I feel so useless and alone and I just don't know what to do.
I feel I've been a crap wife, a crap mother and a crap person. The future I thought was there is gone, I have to continue to try to survive in this hellhole, going through divorce when we should have been celebrating our 25th anniversary. There is no one to talk to and I can't keep the brave face on much longer and I just don't know what to do now. I have nowhere to turn.
I don't know how it will be in the future. I worry about being left out. There is a ball in November and everyone is full of how they want to go, and I would be the only one not in a couple, and I don't know how that will feel and even if I can bear it after the last ball which was the day the world fell apart.
I still feel incredibly angry, angry about what I have lost; angry about the future; angry about my crap; angry I let myself get to this place; angry that no-one really cares; angry that I am the one who has to hold everything together with no help.

Never any easier

Well so I made it almost to the end of the year, but now I feel I am slipping and falling apart. Everything is pressing in, there is so much to worry about and I have to do that as well. but I don't do it very well.

Going downhill this week.

Work is really getting on top of me. The lack of space, the lack of direction. I wish I could find out about my budget--how on earth am I supposed to plan the project without it? Have been put onto someone who shold be able to help get it sorted. C has been doing my head in, she talks non-stop, loudly and inappropriately. I think she will settle down.
It was good to meet with S, and compare notes, although now I have a load more work to do. Am looking forward to meeting the others at ALS on Tues--never thought I'd look forward to an ALS!
And then R and me had a huge row, or rather I just shouted a lot and she went off to B's. She came back yesterday thankfully and I think we are sorted. It's just hard going sometimes. I'd spent 45 minutes int he car taking Cand C to a meeting, and they had talked non-stop about their failed marriages. I'm just not ready for that yet. I do't know these people and it is too new and raw. And I was so tired and fed up.
I guess I'll get used to it.

Harder than I expected

Its been a weird weekend.
Yesterday managed to have  alovely ride out in the morning, apart from the daft dobbin horse who decided that the third lot of cows were definitely out to get him and that the only way out was to prance about on two legs in the muddiest, most thickly tree-d but of the path. Never mind. I love him to bits really.

Then out to the wedding evening reception. Just felt a bit strange. Not helped by the fact that I'd gone looking for some warmer jamas in a drawer and found a nightie I bought to go to Malta last year and another when we went to Muscat. And I'd bought them to be nice and because I thought, well I don't know what I thought really. But I needn't have bothered need I? And that upset me. I keep finding things like that.
And today I have been emptying his wardrobes and drawers and that has been peculiar too. I found a letter I remember writing to him in DB, and I could have written it this year. It said the same--how we didn't talk, how it wasn't working, how we needed to do something about it. And that was 14 years ago for fuck's sake I feel slumped into a pit just now.
It hasn't stopped raining since last night. It's horrendous. The roads are flooding, the fields are just turning into ponds.
Oh well, another week starts tomorrow, who knows what will happen next.