Never any easier

Well so I made it almost to the end of the year, but now I feel I am slipping and falling apart. Everything is pressing in, there is so much to worry about and I have to do that as well. but I don't do it very well.

Going downhill this week.

Work is really getting on top of me. The lack of space, the lack of direction. I wish I could find out about my budget--how on earth am I supposed to plan the project without it? Have been put onto someone who shold be able to help get it sorted. C has been doing my head in, she talks non-stop, loudly and inappropriately. I think she will settle down.
It was good to meet with S, and compare notes, although now I have a load more work to do. Am looking forward to meeting the others at ALS on Tues--never thought I'd look forward to an ALS!
And then R and me had a huge row, or rather I just shouted a lot and she went off to B's. She came back yesterday thankfully and I think we are sorted. It's just hard going sometimes. I'd spent 45 minutes int he car taking Cand C to a meeting, and they had talked non-stop about their failed marriages. I'm just not ready for that yet. I do't know these people and it is too new and raw. And I was so tired and fed up.
I guess I'll get used to it.

Harder than I expected

Its been a weird weekend.
Yesterday managed to have  alovely ride out in the morning, apart from the daft dobbin horse who decided that the third lot of cows were definitely out to get him and that the only way out was to prance about on two legs in the muddiest, most thickly tree-d but of the path. Never mind. I love him to bits really.

Then out to the wedding evening reception. Just felt a bit strange. Not helped by the fact that I'd gone looking for some warmer jamas in a drawer and found a nightie I bought to go to Malta last year and another when we went to Muscat. And I'd bought them to be nice and because I thought, well I don't know what I thought really. But I needn't have bothered need I? And that upset me. I keep finding things like that.
And today I have been emptying his wardrobes and drawers and that has been peculiar too. I found a letter I remember writing to him in DB, and I could have written it this year. It said the same--how we didn't talk, how it wasn't working, how we needed to do something about it. And that was 14 years ago for fuck's sake I feel slumped into a pit just now.
It hasn't stopped raining since last night. It's horrendous. The roads are flooding, the fields are just turning into ponds.
Oh well, another week starts tomorrow, who knows what will happen next.

another day of disappointments

Well the interview went well, I was pleased with it. I answered the questiosn effectively and put up with the odious disinterested man. They seemed to appreciate my presentation.

And then they didn't appoint. I mean FFS what a waste of time for everyone. I have got some really good feedback, and trying to get some more clarification from N (but her inbox is full so can't email just now). She sounded as frustrated as I am feeling yesterday when she rang. It sounds as if the uni has moved the goalposts. N said she would be starting renegotiating with them on Wednesday and that if anything changed could she get back in touch, so I have said yes.

So now I have to focus on Liverpool and really get my teeth into it. But then I need to find out about season tickets and all that crap oh blimey. Better do it though.

end of several era

Not sure what the plural of era is. Well yesterday went ok, but didn't get the last baby, had a nice labour though. And a bunch of flowers and a card which was a surprise, and even a card and a pat on the shoulder from M--an even bigger surprise!

And now T is here and tomorrow he flies to the other side of the world. I need him to be gone, I need to see him go. I need to feel I can breath again. I feel in pieces though. I keep thinking about what we would have been doing if all this hadn't happened--spending a special day together, all of us. A special meal. Lots of cuddling and talking and crying. And planning for the furture. Yet another thing taken away from me. Yes I do feel badly done to. I do feel that I have a lot to still be angry about. The plans I thought we had, all gone. The future wiped out. And I don't want to connect to him just now, I want to build a wall he can't get through. I do not want to start the emotional contact again. It is going nowhere.

I don't know why it is that when other people are kind to me I want to cry--even just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I do believe I deserve their kindnesses and I know how much pleasure kindness brings to the giver. So what is it? Is it realising that I have had a bad thing happen to me and so that is why I am getting the kindnesses? So it is like a constant reminder? I don't know, I need to sort it though or I will get in a mess with it.  

Nearly there

Well, missed a few days, busy at work and tired when I got home. Can't believe I've nearly finished there, still not sure how Monday will go and whether I have any chance or not. Liverpool have not sent anything yet, so will ring them tomorrow and chase that up.

And Sunday is the big day when T flies off to the other side of the world. I feel quite numb about it, but when I allow myself time to think about it I feel quite sad really. I think its been harder because I haven't told anyone at work. There is no-one there who I feel close enough to share it with and there is enough bloody gossip I don't want to be part of that.
No doubt I will be the hot topic next week anyway, no matter what happens, when M realises I have been for interview too.
Oh well, that's it for now.

Birthday loveliness

What a day yesterday was. Absolutely lovely from start to finish. Breakfast in bed and the most gorgeous pendant made by Lydia--specially designed for me by Lyds and the girls, with three amethysts to represent us. It made me cry a great deal. Then A arrived and we went off up to the Lakes. A splendid day of relaxing and chatting and dozing and eating. Then home and out for a beautiful meal with all my friends from the yard. And I managed not to cry.

Finally had the phone call regarding a start date. Think I am going to take a whole week off though and get the roof space and dininng room sorted. R is off for the days that week too, and said she would lend a hand--we'll see!

Back to work today :(
Never mind, the end is in sight now, hooray.

Monday, Monday

Another week starts. In the middle of four days off which is lovely. My birthday tomorrow and I'm going off for a spa day with my girls and a good friend, it will be heavenly. And they have organised something else, but I don't know what it is and I'm not doing any guessing--what will be, will be, I trust them. I am sort of guessing I'm getting a spa treatment for a birthday present and then meeting with friends for a meal--we'll see if I'm right.  
The weather today is cooler and greyer, but hopefully we'll manage to get a ride this morning, borrowing a friend's horse so me and Tilly can go out together. Then on into town for some shopping and coffee. Later I see my mentor to get my 360 feedback which I am really looking forward to--I gained so much from it last time. And maybe a little interview prep with her too.
I was doing some digging yesterday and found out that although L has applied and got an interview, she is going to withdraw her application. She says its just not the job for her, so that's one down, how can I get M to do the same? *giggles*
And on the other front, I realise we need to talk about money and finances and such. If we are agreeing to separate we need to think about how far that goes and what about the girls and the house and such.

Sunday morning

Hmm, well I thought we had made significant progress this week, but maybe not, but maybe. I felt a big step forward with the letting-go-and-maybe-coming-back, but he has said very clearly this is not what he wants. Which is actually good in a way because he's finally saying what he doesn't want, rather then just going along and agreeing with me. But for me, this is the way forward, so I guess we need to find a compromise and that might be this week's task. And the pressure is on--two weeks to go. Whether I can take him to the airport or not I don't know, because he seems set on going on the 6th when my interview is and I'm not prepared to put that in jeopardy.Well that's for him to sort out. It feels very strange.

The more I think

about this last week the better I feel.
Allowing each other to go and be ourselves rather than trying to be who we think the other wants, if that makes any sense at all. And then seeing if those two people want to be together would be worth doing. And it gives us both the freedom which feels like what we need just now. And the realisation that because I care for him so much it feels really important to be able to say that his development is much more important than trying to patch together this thing that has fallen apart/been exploded.  As long as he feels the same and really understands what I am saying and isn't just agreeging for the sake of it--which is always a possibility.
Last night I ate far too much crap, loads of chocolate and this morning my tummy hurts so much. I must get on top of this, I'll have no clothes for my interview/new job. Have found out one person I know has also gone for the same job which is a bit worrying (had been counting on her being on holiday when the applications were going in) and still trying to find out if L has applied--all quiet there so far. Have been doing well at getting some real accounts of experiences which I can put into my presentation to show I really understand the situtation, its not what you know but who you know--this last year has been great for creating connections.
And four days in  row off--bliss. Trying not to think about Wednesday, but only 7 shifts left anyway. Wish I had a start date from Liverpool though, I'm getting a bit twitchy.
Right, time for a snooze.

and now

so I really don't know how I feel. I wish someone would tell me, but I know that I have to work this out myself. I was shocked at how I felt when we knew the visa had come through. I really felt as if I'd been kicked in the solar plexus. And I guess that's because now we know we have a time limit and its not all going to get sorted before he goes. 
Counselling this week was a turning point I think. To be able to say 'you must let me go because then I might come back' and have him hear that and to be able to tell him that I want to be able to let him go to grow and be who he needs to be and that I am willing to take the chance that he doesn't come back. And to realise that for me it is about my caring for him enough to be able to do that, to feel that he is more important than the crap that we are just now. And it felt weird to hug him because I didn't feel I wanted to hold on, and he didn't cling either which was a huge relief. I told him it was the letting go that was important--he sent a text to say thank you for the hug.
And in other news I just want the next two weeks to be over. And to have a letter from the next place and get on with it.