and now

so I really don't know how I feel. I wish someone would tell me, but I know that I have to work this out myself. I was shocked at how I felt when we knew the visa had come through. I really felt as if I'd been kicked in the solar plexus. And I guess that's because now we know we have a time limit and its not all going to get sorted before he goes. 
Counselling this week was a turning point I think. To be able to say 'you must let me go because then I might come back' and have him hear that and to be able to tell him that I want to be able to let him go to grow and be who he needs to be and that I am willing to take the chance that he doesn't come back. And to realise that for me it is about my caring for him enough to be able to do that, to feel that he is more important than the crap that we are just now. And it felt weird to hug him because I didn't feel I wanted to hold on, and he didn't cling either which was a huge relief. I told him it was the letting go that was important--he sent a text to say thank you for the hug.
And in other news I just want the next two weeks to be over. And to have a letter from the next place and get on with it.