Not sure what the plural of era is. Well yesterday went ok, but didn't get the last baby, had a nice labour though. And a bunch of flowers and a card which was a surprise, and even a card and a pat on the shoulder from M--an even bigger surprise!
And now T is here and tomorrow he flies to the other side of the world. I need him to be gone, I need to see him go. I need to feel I can breath again. I feel in pieces though. I keep thinking about what we would have been doing if all this hadn't happened--spending a special day together, all of us. A special meal. Lots of cuddling and talking and crying. And planning for the furture. Yet another thing taken away from me. Yes I do feel badly done to. I do feel that I have a lot to still be angry about. The plans I thought we had, all gone. The future wiped out. And I don't want to connect to him just now, I want to build a wall he can't get through. I do not want to start the emotional contact again. It is going nowhere.
I don't know why it is that when other people are kind to me I want to cry--even just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I do believe I deserve their kindnesses and I know how much pleasure kindness brings to the giver. So what is it? Is it realising that I have had a bad thing happen to me and so that is why I am getting the kindnesses? So it is like a constant reminder? I don't know, I need to sort it though or I will get in a mess with it.
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