Today I realised that I do believe that marriage is for life, and that surprised me. But that both people have to have that same feeling and that feeling has to last for that lifetime. I hadn't realised I had that strength of feeling about it. And how much I am affected by this failure. And that that is what it feels like, failure. And it hurts.
So this is about more than the loss of the future, it is about my very beliefs and perhaps that helps me understand quite why I feel as bad as I do. It doesn't make it any better or any easier, but it is a step along the way, a step towards acceptance.
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Sunday, 13 February 2011
I made everything come undone
I made everything fall apart
I quit running to the finishing line
and I went back to the start
I found a great big hole in the middle of my life
Shaped just like my heart, just like my heart
Karine Polwart
This is how I feel. I feel so useless and alone and I just don't know what to do.
I feel I've been a crap wife, a crap mother and a crap person. The future I thought was there is gone, I have to continue to try to survive in this hellhole, going through divorce when we should have been celebrating our 25th anniversary. There is no one to talk to and I can't keep the brave face on much longer and I just don't know what to do now. I have nowhere to turn.
I don't know how it will be in the future. I worry about being left out. There is a ball in November and everyone is full of how they want to go, and I would be the only one not in a couple, and I don't know how that will feel and even if I can bear it after the last ball which was the day the world fell apart.
I still feel incredibly angry, angry about what I have lost; angry about the future; angry about my crap; angry I let myself get to this place; angry that no-one really cares; angry that I am the one who has to hold everything together with no help.
I quit running to the finishing line
and I went back to the start
I found a great big hole in the middle of my life
Shaped just like my heart, just like my heart
Karine Polwart
This is how I feel. I feel so useless and alone and I just don't know what to do.
I feel I've been a crap wife, a crap mother and a crap person. The future I thought was there is gone, I have to continue to try to survive in this hellhole, going through divorce when we should have been celebrating our 25th anniversary. There is no one to talk to and I can't keep the brave face on much longer and I just don't know what to do now. I have nowhere to turn.
I don't know how it will be in the future. I worry about being left out. There is a ball in November and everyone is full of how they want to go, and I would be the only one not in a couple, and I don't know how that will feel and even if I can bear it after the last ball which was the day the world fell apart.
I still feel incredibly angry, angry about what I have lost; angry about the future; angry about my crap; angry I let myself get to this place; angry that no-one really cares; angry that I am the one who has to hold everything together with no help.
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