What a day yesterday was. Absolutely lovely from start to finish. Breakfast in bed and the most gorgeous pendant made by Lydia--specially designed for me by Lyds and the girls, with three amethysts to represent us. It made me cry a great deal. Then A arrived and we went off up to the Lakes. A splendid day of relaxing and chatting and dozing and eating. Then home and out for a beautiful meal with all my friends from the yard. And I managed not to cry.
Finally had the phone call regarding a start date. Think I am going to take a whole week off though and get the roof space and dininng room sorted. R is off for the days that week too, and said she would lend a hand--we'll see!
Back to work today :(
Never mind, the end is in sight now, hooray.
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Monday, 23 August 2010
Monday, Monday
Another week starts. In the middle of four days off which is lovely. My birthday tomorrow and I'm going off for a spa day with my girls and a good friend, it will be heavenly. And they have organised something else, but I don't know what it is and I'm not doing any guessing--what will be, will be, I trust them. I am sort of guessing I'm getting a spa treatment for a birthday present and then meeting with friends for a meal--we'll see if I'm right.
The weather today is cooler and greyer, but hopefully we'll manage to get a ride this morning, borrowing a friend's horse so me and Tilly can go out together. Then on into town for some shopping and coffee. Later I see my mentor to get my 360 feedback which I am really looking forward to--I gained so much from it last time. And maybe a little interview prep with her too.
I was doing some digging yesterday and found out that although L has applied and got an interview, she is going to withdraw her application. She says its just not the job for her, so that's one down, how can I get M to do the same? *giggles*
And on the other front, I realise we need to talk about money and finances and such. If we are agreeing to separate we need to think about how far that goes and what about the girls and the house and such.
The weather today is cooler and greyer, but hopefully we'll manage to get a ride this morning, borrowing a friend's horse so me and Tilly can go out together. Then on into town for some shopping and coffee. Later I see my mentor to get my 360 feedback which I am really looking forward to--I gained so much from it last time. And maybe a little interview prep with her too.
I was doing some digging yesterday and found out that although L has applied and got an interview, she is going to withdraw her application. She says its just not the job for her, so that's one down, how can I get M to do the same? *giggles*
And on the other front, I realise we need to talk about money and finances and such. If we are agreeing to separate we need to think about how far that goes and what about the girls and the house and such.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Sunday morning
Hmm, well I thought we had made significant progress this week, but maybe not, but maybe. I felt a big step forward with the letting-go-and-maybe-coming-back, but he has said very clearly this is not what he wants. Which is actually good in a way because he's finally saying what he doesn't want, rather then just going along and agreeing with me. But for me, this is the way forward, so I guess we need to find a compromise and that might be this week's task. And the pressure is on--two weeks to go. Whether I can take him to the airport or not I don't know, because he seems set on going on the 6th when my interview is and I'm not prepared to put that in jeopardy.Well that's for him to sort out. It feels very strange.
Friday, 20 August 2010
The more I think
about this last week the better I feel.
Allowing each other to go and be ourselves rather than trying to be who we think the other wants, if that makes any sense at all. And then seeing if those two people want to be together would be worth doing. And it gives us both the freedom which feels like what we need just now. And the realisation that because I care for him so much it feels really important to be able to say that his development is much more important than trying to patch together this thing that has fallen apart/been exploded. As long as he feels the same and really understands what I am saying and isn't just agreeging for the sake of it--which is always a possibility.
Last night I ate far too much crap, loads of chocolate and this morning my tummy hurts so much. I must get on top of this, I'll have no clothes for my interview/new job. Have found out one person I know has also gone for the same job which is a bit worrying (had been counting on her being on holiday when the applications were going in) and still trying to find out if L has applied--all quiet there so far. Have been doing well at getting some real accounts of experiences which I can put into my presentation to show I really understand the situtation, its not what you know but who you know--this last year has been great for creating connections.
And four days in row off--bliss. Trying not to think about Wednesday, but only 7 shifts left anyway. Wish I had a start date from Liverpool though, I'm getting a bit twitchy.
Right, time for a snooze.
Allowing each other to go and be ourselves rather than trying to be who we think the other wants, if that makes any sense at all. And then seeing if those two people want to be together would be worth doing. And it gives us both the freedom which feels like what we need just now. And the realisation that because I care for him so much it feels really important to be able to say that his development is much more important than trying to patch together this thing that has fallen apart/been exploded. As long as he feels the same and really understands what I am saying and isn't just agreeging for the sake of it--which is always a possibility.
Last night I ate far too much crap, loads of chocolate and this morning my tummy hurts so much. I must get on top of this, I'll have no clothes for my interview/new job. Have found out one person I know has also gone for the same job which is a bit worrying (had been counting on her being on holiday when the applications were going in) and still trying to find out if L has applied--all quiet there so far. Have been doing well at getting some real accounts of experiences which I can put into my presentation to show I really understand the situtation, its not what you know but who you know--this last year has been great for creating connections.
And four days in row off--bliss. Trying not to think about Wednesday, but only 7 shifts left anyway. Wish I had a start date from Liverpool though, I'm getting a bit twitchy.
Right, time for a snooze.
and now
so I really don't know how I feel. I wish someone would tell me, but I know that I have to work this out myself. I was shocked at how I felt when we knew the visa had come through. I really felt as if I'd been kicked in the solar plexus. And I guess that's because now we know we have a time limit and its not all going to get sorted before he goes.
Counselling this week was a turning point I think. To be able to say 'you must let me go because then I might come back' and have him hear that and to be able to tell him that I want to be able to let him go to grow and be who he needs to be and that I am willing to take the chance that he doesn't come back. And to realise that for me it is about my caring for him enough to be able to do that, to feel that he is more important than the crap that we are just now. And it felt weird to hug him because I didn't feel I wanted to hold on, and he didn't cling either which was a huge relief. I told him it was the letting go that was important--he sent a text to say thank you for the hug.
And in other news I just want the next two weeks to be over. And to have a letter from the next place and get on with it.
Counselling this week was a turning point I think. To be able to say 'you must let me go because then I might come back' and have him hear that and to be able to tell him that I want to be able to let him go to grow and be who he needs to be and that I am willing to take the chance that he doesn't come back. And to realise that for me it is about my caring for him enough to be able to do that, to feel that he is more important than the crap that we are just now. And it felt weird to hug him because I didn't feel I wanted to hold on, and he didn't cling either which was a huge relief. I told him it was the letting go that was important--he sent a text to say thank you for the hug.
And in other news I just want the next two weeks to be over. And to have a letter from the next place and get on with it.
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