Going downhill this week.

Work is really getting on top of me. The lack of space, the lack of direction. I wish I could find out about my budget--how on earth am I supposed to plan the project without it? Have been put onto someone who shold be able to help get it sorted. C has been doing my head in, she talks non-stop, loudly and inappropriately. I think she will settle down.
It was good to meet with S, and compare notes, although now I have a load more work to do. Am looking forward to meeting the others at ALS on Tues--never thought I'd look forward to an ALS!
And then R and me had a huge row, or rather I just shouted a lot and she went off to B's. She came back yesterday thankfully and I think we are sorted. It's just hard going sometimes. I'd spent 45 minutes int he car taking Cand C to a meeting, and they had talked non-stop about their failed marriages. I'm just not ready for that yet. I do't know these people and it is too new and raw. And I was so tired and fed up.
I guess I'll get used to it.

Harder than I expected

Its been a weird weekend.
Yesterday managed to have  alovely ride out in the morning, apart from the daft dobbin horse who decided that the third lot of cows were definitely out to get him and that the only way out was to prance about on two legs in the muddiest, most thickly tree-d but of the path. Never mind. I love him to bits really.

Then out to the wedding evening reception. Just felt a bit strange. Not helped by the fact that I'd gone looking for some warmer jamas in a drawer and found a nightie I bought to go to Malta last year and another when we went to Muscat. And I'd bought them to be nice and because I thought, well I don't know what I thought really. But I needn't have bothered need I? And that upset me. I keep finding things like that.
And today I have been emptying his wardrobes and drawers and that has been peculiar too. I found a letter I remember writing to him in DB, and I could have written it this year. It said the same--how we didn't talk, how it wasn't working, how we needed to do something about it. And that was 14 years ago for fuck's sake I feel slumped into a pit just now.
It hasn't stopped raining since last night. It's horrendous. The roads are flooding, the fields are just turning into ponds.
Oh well, another week starts tomorrow, who knows what will happen next.

another day of disappointments

Well the interview went well, I was pleased with it. I answered the questiosn effectively and put up with the odious disinterested man. They seemed to appreciate my presentation.

And then they didn't appoint. I mean FFS what a waste of time for everyone. I have got some really good feedback, and trying to get some more clarification from N (but her inbox is full so can't email just now). She sounded as frustrated as I am feeling yesterday when she rang. It sounds as if the uni has moved the goalposts. N said she would be starting renegotiating with them on Wednesday and that if anything changed could she get back in touch, so I have said yes.

So now I have to focus on Liverpool and really get my teeth into it. But then I need to find out about season tickets and all that crap oh blimey. Better do it though.

end of several era

Not sure what the plural of era is. Well yesterday went ok, but didn't get the last baby, had a nice labour though. And a bunch of flowers and a card which was a surprise, and even a card and a pat on the shoulder from M--an even bigger surprise!

And now T is here and tomorrow he flies to the other side of the world. I need him to be gone, I need to see him go. I need to feel I can breath again. I feel in pieces though. I keep thinking about what we would have been doing if all this hadn't happened--spending a special day together, all of us. A special meal. Lots of cuddling and talking and crying. And planning for the furture. Yet another thing taken away from me. Yes I do feel badly done to. I do feel that I have a lot to still be angry about. The plans I thought we had, all gone. The future wiped out. And I don't want to connect to him just now, I want to build a wall he can't get through. I do not want to start the emotional contact again. It is going nowhere.

I don't know why it is that when other people are kind to me I want to cry--even just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I do believe I deserve their kindnesses and I know how much pleasure kindness brings to the giver. So what is it? Is it realising that I have had a bad thing happen to me and so that is why I am getting the kindnesses? So it is like a constant reminder? I don't know, I need to sort it though or I will get in a mess with it.  

Nearly there

Well, missed a few days, busy at work and tired when I got home. Can't believe I've nearly finished there, still not sure how Monday will go and whether I have any chance or not. Liverpool have not sent anything yet, so will ring them tomorrow and chase that up.

And Sunday is the big day when T flies off to the other side of the world. I feel quite numb about it, but when I allow myself time to think about it I feel quite sad really. I think its been harder because I haven't told anyone at work. There is no-one there who I feel close enough to share it with and there is enough bloody gossip I don't want to be part of that.
No doubt I will be the hot topic next week anyway, no matter what happens, when M realises I have been for interview too.
Oh well, that's it for now.